Resident 2

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Text File | 1993-04-29 | 16KB | 459 lines

¶3 389 ¶2JOKES ABOUT BLONDE PEOPLES -------------------------------- ¶1 Why was the blonde so excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months? Because the box said 3-6 years! ¶2The following contains a good deal of offensive material. If you have objections, ... If you have additions/deletions, (although I think there aren't any repeats), but not requests!!!, send them to weed@minerva.cis.yale.edu Thanks to all who have contributed to this list. As far as I know, this is the most complete list of blonde jokes around. I could, of course, be wrong... The Complete Set Of Blonde Jokes (389) -------------------------------------- ¶11. Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain? A: Gifted! 2. Q: How do blonde braincells die? A: Alone. 3. Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? A: Pregnant. 4. Q: How do you brainwash a blonde? A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down. 5. Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? A: Artificial intelligence. 6. Q: How does a blonde part their hair? A1: (Action of scissoring legs apart) A2: By doing the splits. 7. Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders? A: Because they can't even keep two calves together! 8. Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg? A: Nothing. They've never met. 9. Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables! 10. Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain? A: After a dye job. 11. Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane? A1: She'd just dyed her hair. A2: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much. 12. Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up? A: To catch everything that goes over their heads. 13. Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? A: You can park in the handicap zone. 14. Q: What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievment? A: An IN-body experience! 15. Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle? A: They both get fucked up when they're on their back. 16. Q: What do Darren Millane (Collingwood footballer killed in a recent car crash) and a blonde have in common? A: Put either of 'em in a car and their fucked. 17. Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? A: Humpme Dumpme. 18. Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? A: Shine a flashlight in their ear. 19. Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle? A: Shine a torch in her ears. 20. Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? A: It takes too long to retrain them. 21. Q1 How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer? A: There's white-out on the screen. Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer? A: There's writing on the white-out. 22. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? A: You only have to punch information into a computer once. 23. Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common? A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you. 24. Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer? A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9. 25. Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads? A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno! 26. Q: How do you kill a blonde? A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads. 27. Q: How do blondes pierce their ears? A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads. 28. Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello? A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages. 29. Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head? A: All you can eat, under a buck. 30. Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles? A: Because they can't get their head in the jar. 31. Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas? A1: They can't find the zipper. A2: They cant find the pull tab. 32. Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earrings? A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles. 33. Q: Why do blondes where big hoop earrings? A: To put their feet through. 34. Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive? A: Her ankles. 35. Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick? A: Because red means stop. 36. Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick? A: Because red means "Stop, wrong hole." 37. Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator? A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers. 38. Q: Why don't blondes use vibrators? A: They chip their teeth. 39. Q: Why do blondes wear underwear? A: They make good ankle warmers. 40. Q: What do blondes do for foreplay? A: Remove their underwear. 41. Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts? A: Cause their balls show! 42. Q: What's the mating call of the blonde? A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!" 43. Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde? A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!" 44. Q: How did the blonde die ice fishing? A: She was run over by the zambonis machine. 45. Q: What's a brunette's mating call? A: Has that blonde gone yet? A2: When is that blonde bitch going to leave!? A3: "All the blondes have gone home!" 46: Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs? A: Because they can spell it. 47. Q: Why do blondes like the GST? (GST -- Goods and Services Tax now in effect in Canada) A: Because they can spell it. 48. Q: What is 74 to a blonde? A: 69 plus G.S.T. 49. Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes? A: Toes Go In First. 50. Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts? A: Tits Go In Front. 51. Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side? A: An interpreter. 52. Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes? A: A mental block. 53. Q: How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer. 54. Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in? A: "Have another beer." 55. Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning? A: Pack their lunch and send them to work. 56. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning? A1: Introduces themself. A2: Walks home. 57. Q: How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning? A: Fertilized. 58. Q: How does a blonde like her eggs? A: Unfertilized. 59. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex? A: Opens the car door. 60. Q: How do blondes turn the light on after sex? A: Kick open the car door. 61. Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering? A: More head room. 62. Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs? A: More leg room. 63. Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a blonde? A: Bucket seats. 64. Q: What do blondes say after sex? A1: "Thanks, Guys!" A2: "Are you boys all in the same band?" A3: Do you guys all play for the <team name>? A4: Who were all those guys? 65. Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob? A: Because everybody gets a turn. 66. Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks? A: Because she's been laid all over the country. 67. Q: What important question does a blonde ask her mate before having sex? A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate? 68. Q: Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm? A: *Who cares?* 69. Q: Why do blondes have orgasms? A: So they know when to stop having sex! 70. Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm? A1: She drops her nail-file! A2: Who cares? A3: She says, "Next". A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder. A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes. A6: I mean, who really cares? A7: The batteries have run out. 71. Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? A: "Thanks for the refill!" 72. Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? A: Data transfer. 73. Q: Why do blondes use tapons with extra long strings? A: So the crabs can go bungee-jumping. 74. Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress? A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil. 75. Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag) ? A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?" 76. Q: Why do blondes have more fun? A1: Because they don't know any better. A2: They are easier to keep amused. 77. Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb? A1: "What's a lightbulb?" A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her. A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!" 78. Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine? A: "Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami!" 79. Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes? A: A wine cellar. 80. Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes? A: Peroxide. 81. Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes? A: They're doing research on black holes. 82. Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common? A1: They both have a black box. A2: Both have a cockpit. 83. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a 747? A: Not everyone has been in a 747. 84. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine? A: Not everybody has been in a limo. 85. Q: What does a blonde say when she gives birth? A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine? 86. Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? A: "Are you sure it's mine?" 87. Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A: A wind tunnel. 88. Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle? A: A dope ring. 89. Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up? A1: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde. A2: None of them. There is no such thing as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy or a smart blonde and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper. 90. Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall? A: To see what was on the other side. 91. Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you? A: Pull the pin and throw it back. 92. Q: Why do blondes take the pill? A: So they know what day of the week it is. 93. Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill? A: Because it kept falling out. 94. Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel? A: Because her boyfriend was also blond! 95. Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first? A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions. 96. Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? A: Her IQ goes up! 97. Q: What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde? A: A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys. 98. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche? A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend. 99. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush? A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush. 100. Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde? A: Butter is difficult to spread. 101. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball? A1: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball. A2: You can't fit the blonde in the bowling ball. A3: There is no difference. They're both round and have three holes to poke. A4: You don't eat your bowling ball 102. Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common? A: Chances are they'll both end up in the gutter. 103. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"? A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic". 104. Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot? A: Bigfoot has been spotted. 105. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone? A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone. 106. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a guy? A: The blonde has the higher sperm count. 107. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York? A: The Grand Old Duke of York only 'had' 10000 men. 108. Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde? A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week. 109. Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common? A: They both get easier to pick-up with age. 110. Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common? A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets. 111. Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? A: They're both empty from the neck up. 112. Q: What do blondes and spaghetti have in common? A: They both wriggle when you eat them. 113. Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper? A: So she could lip read. 114. Q: What do peroxide blondes and black men have in common? A: They both have black roots. 115. Q: What do you call a blonde with a bag of sugar on her head? A: Sweet Fuck All... 116. Q: How do you drown a blonde? A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool. A2: Don't tell her to swallow. A3: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool. 117. Q: Why did the blonde drown in the pool? A: Someone left a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool. 118. Q: Why do blondes have square boobs? A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box. 119. Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies? A1: 10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties. A2: Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit. A3: Two...one to make batter and one to peel the M&Ms. 120. Q: How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping? A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard. 121. Q: What did the blonde's mom say to her before the blonde's date? A: If you're not in bed by 12, come home. 122. Q: What's the blonde's cheer? A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..." 123. Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts? A: Change. 124. Q: How does a blonde moonwalk? A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor! 125. Q: Why do blondes find it difficult to marry? A: Because you don't have to marry them for sex! 126. Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla? A: Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do. 127. Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month? A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds." 128. Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird? A: She threw it off a cliff. 129. Q: How does a blonde kill a fish? A: She drowns it. 130. Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months? A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.